Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Entry: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

You guys, this is my 100th post! I'm very excited, because my typical approach to projects is something along the lines of "Hey, I wanna be a lepidopterist! No, I wanna build a model train town! No, I wanna run for mayor of a sparsely-populated town in Montana!" and then I end up spending the night drinking beer and watching cartoons. But I've actually stuck with this. Pat on the back to me!

Additionally, a pat on the back to everyone who has read and supported this blog. Without you guys, I might as well just be talking at a blank wall. But instead, I talk at a blank wall when I'm done blogging. Your comments keep me writing, and promoting TILfW on your websites has taken my readership from nobody to a hair under three-thousand unique visitors in the past month. The fact that there's an audience out there for my half-baked, self-consciously twee ramblings means the world to me. It really does.

Okay, on to the entry.

Thanks to my friends Matt and Jess, whom I have known since high school and still talk to me for some reason, I've gained an appreciation for really awful movies. If the phrase "GARBAGE DAY!" means anything to you beyond taking out the trash, you know exactly what kind of movies I'm talking about. So when I came across this ridiculous clip on YouTube:



I had to know more. "...what?" is right.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is, um, the third in the Shark Attack series. It was released direct to DVD-- I know, I'm surprised too-- in 2002. Yes, 2002. Yes, with those special effects.

There's a very long plot summary, which is flagged as being both "too long or detailed compared to the rest of the content" and "[describing] a work or element of fiction in a primarily in-universe style." I didn't even bother. Giant shark, eats people. Moving on. Surely such a ridiculous and low-budget movie has an equally pathetic cast of talentless nobodies?

Not exactly. The protagonist is played by none other than consummate sexypants John Barrowman, aka Captain Jack Harkness from Dr. Who and Torchwood. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth when I learned that, I can tell you, especially when I found the YouTube video of the jewel in Shark Attack 3's crown of suck.

Note: the above link is NSFW. I will bowdlerize the quote below for your convenience.

Cataline Stone: *sigh* I'm exhausted.
Ben Carpenter: Yeah, me too. But you know, I'm really wired. What do you say I take you home and [stimulate your vulva with my mouth].

One would assume that this was just a prime example of depressingly terrible screenwriting, lay the blame squarely on cocaine, and move on with one's day. But no, friends. No. According to the Wik', the line was an improvisation on Barrowman's part, with the intention of cracking up his co-star, that was left in the final cut. It stands to reason that whatever line had been in the script to end the scene, the above was considered the preferable dialogue.

I'll leave you with that to muse on.

8 comments:

noiselessinfinity said...

I understand Shark Attack 3 is a ridiculously funny movie. So awful it's good, so I hear.

Oh, and I just wanted to say GARBAGE DAY!

Pooka said...

I'm going to use that bowdlerization every time I go to the pub from now on. It certainly beats what I've been going with: "Hey, would you mind if I pleasured your lactation units with oral suction for a while?"

Regina said...

Lactation units? Be honest now, is that *really* what you've been applying oral suction to? ^__^

Pooka said...

I didn't say it was for ladies! ;D

Frederick Milton said...

Great work, Keep it up the good work. I think that nothing can compare to watch cartoon and drink beers. but it is interesting that you keep it up.

If you want to keep it up try General Viagra

Saurabi said...

OK for sure if this shark really exist in our days, it grow so much because he consume a person who took Viagra Online, beside this movie series suck!!!

Max said...

its part of a movie or its really happened. Suction Unit, Suction Cup

Peter Gray said...

Also, I am fan of watching cartoon and drinking beer and I don't feel lazy doing that. I have the same living philosophy that
kamagra has.